i miss you so much..

Feels like forever since you've been gone..
Then I start counting and realise that barely six months have passed.

I miss you all the time.
When all is quiet, I find myself foolishly picturing you beside me.
Secretly wishing and wondering...what if...
If only I could tell you again..

I still love you every bit as much as I did.
I always will.
I still miss you more each day.
I think I always will.

When all's said and done..

One by one, the people have left. The phone is no longer ringing and the text messages have stopped coming. Nobody else is asking what happened or how it happened. Everything that needs to be done has been done. Normal, routine stuff. Now everything has died down and I'm finally alone in my room. It's quiet now. Way too quiet. I turned my back for a moment and you've slipped away too. At least now I have some time to collect my thoughts. Except that my mind is a blank. There are the occassional moments where something starts to stir faintly in me but that, too, seems to be quelled quickly enough. Other than that, there's nothing else. No words, no feelings. I know it hardly seems fair, that everything seems stuck and I cannot come up with the right words for you. The right last words for you. This is all I have for now.

I love you too.

If I had only known..

If I had only known
It was the last walk in the rain
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand
Like a life line to my heart
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm
If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain

If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
I'd memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
Keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again

You were the treasure in my hand
You were the one who always stood beside me
So unaware I foolishly believed 
That you would always be there
But then there came a day
And I turned my head and you slipped away

If I had only known
It was my last night by your side
I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn
And when you'd smile at me
I would look into your eyes
And make sure you know my love
For you goes on and on
If I had only known
If I had only known
The love I would've shown 
If I had only known

Two weeks on...

I still think about you more and more each day.
I still miss you so much it hurts.
I'm still trying to understand what it really means to let you go.
Everything around me still reminds me of you.
I still go to bed at night with your tee next to me, pretending for a moment that you never left.

I still find myself talking to you sometimes, as if you were still alive.
I still long for you to be here with me, even if it's just for one more day. I imagine all the things I'd do, but mostly I just want to hold you in my arms one last time. I'm not sure if I will be able to let you go again though.
I know that's just wishful thinking, so for now, all I can do is to hold on tightly to all the memories and pray with all my heart that I will never forget. I'm so afraid that they will be gone too, and you will be taken from me once again.

I'm so sorry, my girl. Sorry I'm not able to be as strong as you were. I don't mean to keep hanging on, but I really do wish you were here. Life just isn't the same without you.

To Brownie, my little queen...

Thank you for giving us your everything. Thank you for having the courage to fight till the very end. You have always been and will always be my pride and joy. Rest in peace now my little one, and be happy wherever you are. Know that you're on my mind every minute of every day. I miss you so much.

Till I see you again....take care, my darling.
I love you. Always will.

To my little one,

I wish I could tell you what an angel you have been, since you came into my life two Christmases ago. I will never forget the way you looked scampering around the Christmas tree, hiding among the presents thinking no one could see.

I wish I could tell you how quickly and completely you have stolen my heart. How I fell for your puppy-dog eyes, your silly ways and your innocent charm. Yet, of all the things that I love about you, it is your beautiful heart that amazes me most.

I wish I could tell you just how good it felt, the day you came to me and asked for a kiss. It made me so proud to see how much you have changed.

Now I wish I could tell you that everything will be fine, but it tears me apart knowing that you deserve much better than this. I wish I could always hold you the way I'm holding you now, and play you all the pieces that you want to hear. As I look down at you now, I see how glaring it is. I wonder how I could have missed it; it's right there before my eyes. If only you knew how sorry I am, that I wish I could find a way to make things alright.

Most of all, I wish I could tell you just how much I love you.

I will always be thankful that you came into my life.