I woke up today feeling breathless and a little disoriented, and immediately I knew I had to get some things off my chest. So I pushed the pillows and a book I was reading off me. There. Much better... Now I can get back to that nagging thought in my head.
I had been having curiously unpleasant dreams these last couple of days, each dream as senseless as the next. My inner child must be trying to tell me something. But what? I thought of the one thing in my life that did not make any sense, and then it hit me. I had to write my mom. Yikes! So here goes…
Dearest Mom,
How are you? It is funny how I can still hear you from here.
“Not good! Why?!”
Some things you said the other day got me thinking, especially the particularly amusing remarks about my childhood. I realise now that you were right. I haven’t been appreciating you enough and it is time I started.
Here’s the thing. I am grateful. In your own unique way, you have been showering me with precious lessons on life. I have taken everything you have dished out all these years. The hurtful insults, the repeated abuse, your never-ending mind games and your overwhelming need to be in control. I guess these must have been your clever ways of helping me build character. The countless number of times I had to beg you to stop? I suppose you were just trying to teach me about humility. How could I not be grateful? You were the one who instilled so many good old fashioned values in me. I get it now.
What I am trying to say is this. Deep down I am truly thankful for all that you have done. If nothing, you have given me a purpose in life. Since I could remember, I have spent each day of my life working hard not to be like you. I know if I did, I would never have the strength to live with myself, the way you do. You are always saying that someday I will have kids to put me through the same things I put you through. Well, I am not entirely sure that is a bad thing, but I do wonder... Did grandma say the same to you too? Everyone around me tells me you need help. Advice that you so stubbornly refuse to accept.
I love you mom, with all my heart. I hope the day will come when you know what that means, and I hope it comes soon. For now though, I hope you will understand if someone asks and I say I was raised by wolves. It makes things so much easier for me, you see.
Till I hear from you again then. I miss you.
Love,
Your Daughter
